This is the new blog.

Ok, I was on about five minutes ago. As is typical, they have a listing of the day’s top news stories under a “Latest News” heading on the right side of the page.

At first glance the news of the day seems pretty innocuous. For example, the headline of the second story is “‘Behavior of Concern’ Turns Plane Back.” Apparently on a flight in Europe someone went a little crazy and the pilots decided to land the plane in Amsterdam. Whether it was ten Arabs armed to the teeth or a crazy old lady from Las Vegas who decided to pee on the carpet, I’m not sure. It might have been an unruly backpacker dissatisfied with his Mott’s Tomato Juice. I don’t know. But given the latest ‘liquid explosive’ terror developments in Europe, this story seems entirely newsworthy.
Another story’s headline goes something like this:

“Oops! $50 Million In Checks Sent Out By Mistake.”

I guess that’s interesting to some people. The only way I’d read about it, though, is if one of those checks had showed up in my mailbox today. Seeing as how the only mail I received today was my Capital One bill and a check from Austin College imploring me to donate more than $10 to my alma mater, I chose not to click the link. But following the story about the retard who gave away $50 million is where the true gold lies.

Plug in the drum machine and hit the little button that says ‘drum roll.’

The next headline on on today, August 23, 2006, is as follows:

Aztecs Butchered, Ate Spanish Invaders”

CNN, the news network that has long billed itself as the leader in “Breaking News,” has apparently decided that 487 years is long enough to wait to inform its readership that yes, the rumors are true, when the Spanish tried to invade Mexico in 1519 (1519!) they were met with a little cannibalism. Either that or some assholes from Madrid are invading Cancun right now and fending off hoards of hungry, cannibalistic descendants of Aztecs. Who knows?

I wonder what’s next for

“Wright Brothers At It Again: Orville and Wilbur Plan To Test New Bicycle With Wings at Kitty Hawk”

Or maybe, “Eli Whitney Invents Cotton Gin, Blacks Fucked Over”

Or perhaps, “Gutenberg Adds ‘Times New Roman’ to Font List”

CNN. America’s news network.